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Moment Of Truth – If Diaries Could Talk.

Me: Dear diary, I almost burnt down the house today, thanks to the heavens, it was averted. while recovering from the scare, I did a mental list of the items that would be most painful had the fire happened and you fall within top 10.

Diary: Hahahahah…you cooked beans and went ******* again? You'd better go get a house help

Me:    You are mad!

Diary: Am I the mad one or you who has obviously gone crazy talking to himself but wants the world to believe his diary is talking?

Me:    ………..

Diary: And how could you be so careless? The frequency in fire incidents apparently doesn't mean anything to you. Just make sure I don't get burnt, it will be a horrible way to die.

Me:    Can you please shut up and listen, do you have a life?

Diary: Excuse me, so you can abandon me for so long only to come back to tell me I'm important?

Me:    Why are you being emotional about this? Well, you are right, I am sorry (in Harvey's voice), but you know our bond is the strongest. I know how much you hate the phone and the slate for wanting to take your place and I swear to you that they are no longer threats to you. Screen palava.

Diary: Buhahahah…ntoi! Only if books had legs, I would do some ShokI to that. And that shade at Harvey …*sips tea*

Me:    Dance all you want, I'll repair them when I have money.

Diary: Just say that you are waiting till the end of the month, you are broke!

Me:    A-Te-Yew, times are hard and dollar is cost, I can't wait but the month seems like it won't end.  Too much has gone too far for too long. Was asked to pay 17k to repair ordinary Tecno screen and there is no motivation to visit HP yet. I may just be buying new ones, money must come answer all these things. In fact, I've been doing fasting and prayer so that my boss will pay early because he likes to do shakara a lot and I will show him one day.

Diary: Wait!! You? Show who what? You are a poor man. What can you do?

Me:    I hate you

Diary: That's mutual .

Me:    I'm ignoring you. I'm only waiting for one of those Sundays when he will be out of town and he'll ask that I send a document to him urgently and I will refuse

Diary: Refuse? Do you have another job already?

Me:    Well, I will tell him I don't have data since I use a palasa phone and it will pepper him very well.

Diary: Fair. Meanwhile, keep up with the fasting and prayer.

Me:    Talking about fasting and prayers, you know that the 50-day fasting and prayer thing is going on but I just can't imagine myself not eating for 50 days, I mean…

Diary: *cuts in* Ofon (glutton), Ole (thief), apparently that's why you almost burnt down the house. Did you come to this life to eat?

Me:    Mtchew, I mean …

Diary: You mean what? Isn't it for your own good? They said you should pray but you are doing yanga, even if it's to change this your relationship status, wouldn't it be worth it? Money, you don't have. Connection, you lack. Woman, you still don't have, what is now the meaning of your life? Keep eating your life away while your mates are getting married and buying cars.

Me:    And you just have to rub that in?

Diary: Before nko, its 2016 oh, at least, #SiezeTheBae.

Me:    Is it my fault all the Baes have refused to be seized?

Diary: Can't you see that there is a pattern and it's demonic? Or is it until your case can only be solved at Shiloh?. Thought you told me about one a while ago, she too wouldn't be seized?

Me:    I fear we may just be friends only, no benefits.

Diary: And you know this by…?

Me:    It's so confusing, we share almost the same opinion on almost every topic, we talk today about stuff and things, always the best time of my day and all, I enjoy the company and always look forward to our next conversation, but the next day or for the next 4 days, she doesn't answer her calls. She has the best laugh and she makes me forget everything I've planned to attack her with, I make a mental note of all her offenses but as soon as I hear her voice, all her sins just go away. I feel she intentionally creates the distance.

Diary: You humans are just complicated, talk to her about it.

Me: *sighs* *mumbles alien* She has a right to decide what she wants.

Diary: Maybe it's because you met online

Me:    Sssshhhhhh… keep quiet. There are things you don't say in the public. More so, you know I don't like placing my life in public domain

Diary: But you can make stories out of other peoples' lives, isn't that hypocrisy?

Me:    And this is exactly why it's good diaries can't and will never talk back. Meanwhile, I got full or partial consent (where applicable) before writing their stories. Plus for what it's worth, I always wrote them in first person.

Diary: I see, but you gave me the voice today and you know I speak the truth….Meanwhile, who is the second Kemi?

Me:    I think she is just been careful, the Yoruba demon legend is real

Diary: Especially when your Nigerian Dating Handbook suggests that every relationship leads to marriage, I asked who the other Kemi is.

Me:    And that's why I think I may never get married

Diary: You fear commitment that much?

Me:    Just a little,

Diary:  A little? I would have believed that too but unfortunately for you, I know better. You know how many…

Me:    *cuts in* That doesn't count, I told you it was just physical. She's getting married soon.

Diary: That would be the third of your FWBs that's settled down. Just don't forget to tell me about the wedding too. And for all of those times, just physical? Just here wondering if that is the lie you both tell yourselves to feel better about your foolishness or to overcome your guilt.

Me:    Newsflash, good communication and understanding is the difference between adventure and pain.

Diary: That's deep. Not convinced you don't fear commitment still though.

Me:    azz a marrerof fagt, I don't fear commitment, ashually, I love to love, I love to have someone to call my own, I love to have someone I can love so deeply I can't go a day without talking to them, without holding their hands, without looking them in the eye and telling them "I'll will never leave you". I love to be in love. I only fear that this will be taken for granted and trampled on. I am just scared of giving someone else that much power over me, over my moods, I fear that these feelings will not be reciprocated or that one day I will grow out of those feelings and make them miserable. I fear that the person may get overwhelmed and pull out. I just fear to be hurt and broken. At the other times, I fear that the other person may love me too much than I can't reciprocate and then break their heart.

Diary: You're hopeless. So how is your search for a baby mama coming?

Me:    Can we agree on the things you are allowed to talk about or not? Would it really be worth it? I've decided not to raise any child anymore, as long as its outside wedlock, it wouldn't be worth it, no child deserves that. I wanted to give all the love affection and care in me to the child but no one deserves to be raised outside wedlock, to bear the pain of being raised by a single parent. I'm not even sure I'll be a good father, I don't think I have what it takes to be like my parents, I fear that I will fail in my roles as a father and a friend to my kid.

Diary: You should go sign up at the seminary

Me:    Who did I kill?

Diary: Since you are the most selfish bastard I know

Me:    And how many other bastards do you know apart from me?

Diary: All the other ones you've told me about.

Me:    I think you know too much, and it's going to be different henceforth, before you think you know me

Diary: Are you scared I may know so much about you or you fear the fact I know you more than any other person?

Me:    Okay, tell me what no other person knows about me

Diary: I know the real reason you may never get married

Me:    And that is…..?

Diary: You are to confused, too selfish and too messed up to know what you want. I mean, I'm yet to meet anyone who gets attracted to so many women and not do anything about it as much as you do. You are the true definition of Olojukokoro. Everything good is your "species". Thought it was actually cool that you are open minded and do not have a specific yard stick women must measure up to, but this has made you "taste-less" and "class-less". It only means you are the "anything goes" kind of person. You don't give the right vibe either.

Me:    Vibes?

Diary: You can only attract such as yourself, so if you fail to attract anyone, it means you should check the vibes you produce, are you good enough for yourself? You are too lazy man. I mean, how hard is it to walk up to a lady and have a discussion with her? You'll just sit your ass down and expect miracles to happen. You don't need prayer, you need an intervention. It's 2016, grow some balls.

Me:    I'm not covetous now, there are just too many beautiful ladies out there. And it's just like fishing, you want to catch the biggest and so you keep letting go of the small ones till you get the big or a bigger one.

Diary: Isn't that pun

Me:    It's you that know oh.

Diary: You amaze me, you haven't even caught one yet and you're being selective. Catch one first

Me:    Nkan t'eyan o ba le gba ni olowo, talika lo ti n ko (you rehearse how to be a big men even when you are as broke as the church mice)

Diary: Would have made sense if you were big yourself. All pun intended.

Me:    *hisses* That's my cue, I have to go now, I have to prepare for work. Unless you can pay my salary.

Diary: When will you stop depending on salaries?

Me:    Hmmm. I'm not yet ready. I'm growing my skills and building capacity.

Diary: *mimics in baby language* yan yan yan yanyan. When will you be ready? Well, If a woman scares you, then its understandable why entrepreneurship will frighten you. You don't want to take risks, you're unsure of the uncertainty and you probably fear to fail. Its normal to be prude about this but the principle of entrepreneurship is first jumping off the cliff and figuring out how to build a parachute on your way down. Do it first and think about it later. Get out of that comfort zone.

Me:    Done with your lectures? I'm building capacity. Daz all. *makes to close diary* Shey it's me that's scared of women?

Diary: *screams in muffled voice* goj hu whorehorror, you sill sjjdsdkd ndhwjdj abu nij

Me:    What?

Diary: I said go do whatever, you'll still come back to tell me about it.
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